Being in a relationship can be tricky - there are always going to be ups and downs, and sometimes there isn't a right answer to the problem that you're having. That's something that I had plenty of time to learn over the course of my three-and-a-half year relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. In fact, I would like to think that I had become a sort of expert on the topic of maintaining a relationship. But despite all this, the way I felt after we broke up was nothing like I'd ever felt before.
A few months ago, when my long-term boyfriend and I broke up, I felt heartbroken - even though I was the one who decided it was for the best that we part ways. I think that it's not often understood that breaking up with someone doesn't always mean you've fallen out of love with them. While I won't get into too many personal details about it, I was still in love with my ex at the time we broke up. Still, nothing could have prepared me for the aftermath of what a breakup would feel like.
Yes, I had been broken up with before, and yes, it sucked. However, before my most recent relationship, I hadn't ever been in love -- I hadn't even been kissed before!
The experience of falling in love for the first time, not to mention going through some of the most defining years of your life with someone, is incredible.
However, being in love for the first time made this breakup my first heartbreak.
I was distraught. I knew that the decision had been the right one ultimately, but that didn't make the effects of breaking up with a significant other any easier. Luckily, I am fortunate enough to have a great circle of close friends and family members who made the rough time easier to get through, even though I wasn't always willing to talk about how I was feeling about everything. I don't like being in a bad mood normally, so I was hesitant to talk about it in-depth to even my closest friends in fear that tears would come and that my heartbroken mood would become too permanent.
Another reason why it was hard for me to open up about my feelings after the breakup was because I was feeling so many things that I just couldn't put them into words - and how could I talk about a feeling I didn't understand I was having? This messy transition period was pushed down by the whirlwind that was packing up and going back to New York for second semester. Leaving my family for second semester somehow seemed worse than it had been the first time; thinking back on it now, they have always been my rock, and especially after exiting such a long relationship, I really relied on them.
My first day back in New York was, admittedly, awful. Without my family to distract me or comfort me, I felt completely and utterly alone. Later, when my roommate (who is my closest friend at school), I realized that, of course, I'm not ever alone, and after a chat with her (and a lengthy phone call with my mom), I went to bed feeling as ready as I could for the second half of the school year.
I'm very good at keeping busy; I think it's one of my talents. I like being busy, too: it makes me feel accomplished at the end of a packed day, but also because being busy is a great excuse to ignore whatever feelings you're having (and I am very guilty of this). But even though my second semester was busier than my first right off the bat, I found myself still thinking about the breakup, wondering what my ex was doing, if he was okay, being sad that I no longer had "a person".
You will always have to feel things you don't want to feel. It's better to work them out than to just keep ignoring them.
This isn't a shocking lesson, I know, but it is one that I needed to really, actually recognize in my life. I hadn't realized that the sadness I felt right after the breakup would still come up every so often, even from two thousand miles away; Sometimes, while I was studying, a song would come on that reminded me of our relationship, or I would think of an inside joke that nobody else would understand, and I would feel a tinge of sadness. For awhile I thought that that meant I was regretting the decision I made about breaking up, or that I was hung up on my ex. But just because we broke up doesn't negate the rest of the relationship. And after dating one person for so long, it's more than normal to have so many memories with them -- it's impossible to pretend like that time didn't happen, so why not embrace it?
Being able to write about our breakup hasn't come easily. I tried many times to start a post, only to delete it and move on to something else. Usually writing is therapeutic for me, and it was frustrating to not have the words I wanted to say ready to go. This time around, I knew that I had fully processed and come to terms with the situation, because when I sat down to write, the words just came flowing out.
Even now, sometimes I feel sad about what has passed, knowing that things will never be exactly the same. However, it was an amazing relationship, and I learned so much about life and myself. I don't regret any part of it that happened, and instead cherish the great memories and growth it has left me with. Break-ups are hard, and yes, they majorly suck, but it reminds me of a quote from Alfred Lord Tennyson: "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I am fully aware of how cliched that sounds, but once again, the cheesy sayings have nailed it right on the head. If that was the price to pay for something as amazing as my relationship had been, then I am more than ready to fall headfirst again.
Lots of love,
Lots of love,
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