Ah, fall: it's the season of color changes and pumpkin flavored everything.
I love absolutely everything about autumn. Give me the falling leaves, the trips to pumpkin patches, the warm drinks on cold nights, the sweaters being broken out again for the end of the year, and, yes, even the pumpkin spice (my newest favorite is a pumpkin spice chai tea latte!).
By now, it's mid-October, which means that the season is in full swing. Unfortunately, here in New York City, the 70-degree weather has me missing the chilly, drizzly fall weather back home in Seattle. Besides the few random days where we had windy weather in the low 40s, it hasn't felt like fall here at all - which means that I have had to do some creating in order to get myself in the fall spirit, including camping out in a freezing air-conditioned Starbucks while drinking my PSL and creating a fall playlist and Pinterest board to get me in the mood (click the words to see those and fall in love with the season all over again!).
However, this year, the fall brought me more than just cinnamon and apple goodness. As I watched the colors of the leaves in Central Park change, I observed also a change in myself. When I walked through the (metaphorical) doors of New York University, I was shy and scared, both as an actor and as a person. I've always been able to take care of myself, but this time I was truly on my own. Likewise, I'd done lots of shows, but I wasn't confident in my abilities as an actor, and I wasn't ready to open up my emotions and vulnerability to my new classmates, let alone any sort of audience. I didn't know what I was going to do without my mom, my best friends, my boyfriend, my cat, my bed...
The first few weeks of school were a lot for me. I was meeting new people left and right at a time where I was so hesitant to make new friends. I was stuck in a paradox of wanting to get comfortable in my new home and not wanting to let go of my "old" home. This is nothing new, of course. Over the last two months here, I've only had time to squeeze in a couple of blog posts here and there. Writing about how I was feeling was a great way to process the giant life change I was experiencing. But as October started, I got too busy to write and had to deal with things as they came up. I had to do things in acting (and in life) that scared me. And here we are, nearing the end of the month, and I can't believe the change I've gone through.
The leaves on the trees are the perfect metaphor for what I've gone through in the last two months. I "turned"; I became a girl who knows what she wants and what she needs, and will be outspoken about it - sticking up for myself and my needs feels so good, even if it's just saying "no" to plans when I know I need a break.
I also "fell". I've gone through pretty bad bouts of homesickness and restlessness. My anxiety spiked for a while, to the point where I was feeling physical symptoms even when I wasn't actively anxious. I had a rough time when my self-confidence took a dip and I had to remind myself how to love my body. I probably worried my mom sick messaging her all the time about how hard it was to be here. Of course, even though now I absolutely consider school my second home, I still have days when I miss my home on the west coast - now, I better know how to deal with those feelings (blogging about it, of course, helped to start that process).
So now it's fall, even if it doesn't appear to be so in NYC. Leaves scatter on the ground, after their transformation, as if to create a sort of walkway into winter. But once leaves change colors and leave the trees, they're different - they're not attached to the tree anymore. They are free to do as they please, to blow in the wind and fall wherever they care. I clung to my old ways when I moved here, and fought hard to stay attached to them, to not feel like I was losing myself. However, this week, I've realized that I'm no longer one of those green leaves. When I faced my fears, I didn't "lose" any part of my identity: I'm still a Starbucks addict, Frank Sinatra lover, and sock enthusiast. What I did lose was my uncertainty, my hesitancy. I am free to do as I please, without those things holding me back. I'm no longer part of that tree.
In the winter, many are inclined to say, "New year, new me." But the autumn is as much a time of rebirth as the season that follows. It's a comforting reminder that if nature changes itself every season, what's to say you can't take control of your life and change for the better, too?
Happy fall! Enjoy the season and savor as many pumpkin things as you can before the winter holidays take the world by storm.
Lots of love,
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