Welcome to 2018!

You may have noticed, but over the last two months, I've taken a little break from blogging. There are tons of reasons for this - I was being swamped with finals, enjoying the holidays with my family, and readjusting to life back in NYC for my second semester of school. Mostly, though, I wasn't sure what I should write. I always felt the urge to write something, but that "something" never became clear to me. I opened up new posts, typed a few paragraphs, deleted, retyped, and deleted sections again. It seemed that I couldn't find a clear subject to write about. Having never really experienced writer's block like that before (usually when I write, I can barely type fast enough before my brain is onto the next sentence), I wasn't sure what to do; I felt lost and honestly, I kind of felt like blogging was something that wasn't going to work out for me long-term.

Looking back on this now, I want to roll my eyes. I've been in this situation before, as I'm sure most of you have: at the point of giving something up because you can't figure it out. From past experiences, I can assure you that giving up doesn't feel nearly half as good as tackling it head-on. Instead of resigning myself to a blog-free life, I decided to wait out the block. Maybe, I thought, if I spend some time not thinking about it, inspiration will hit me. 

This more or less happened. The thing about inspiration is that it's not always guaranteed that it'll just hit you. Sometimes, inspiration comes out of a lot of things. For me, this was the two months that I spent not writing and instead, living. 

College is crazy - and I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. Being in college for the performing arts is another beast entirely. At the end of my first semester, I was feeling a lot. Some good, some bad, but lots of confusing emotions that I couldn't untangle. I felt accomplished for spending four months in New York City by myself, figuring out how to live as an adult, as a city person, and managing the very demanding schedule of a drama major. But I felt so many other things too. I felt like I was struggling to keep up with my classmates, comparing myself to them, and was wrestling with having days where I didn't feel like I actually belonged in the program I was in. I was also concerned with how things would be when I got back home: would I be a stranger to my friends? My family? Would all my relationships stay intact? Change in college is scary enough, but the thought of things at home changing as well made me feel overwhelmed. 

Over the last few weeks of first semester and my winter break, a ton of things happened that really shifted my perspective. Being with my family was so helpful in recharging. I was away from my new friends for the first time. I was with all of my home friends for more than five days! I was figuring out life at home again and finding where my newfound independence fit in (hint: you still have to do chores when you come back from college). I was having problems in my relationship that I had never encountered before. Break was amazing and much-needed, but it was sure filled with it's fair share of ups and downs. 

By the time I got on a plane to head back to New York, I thought I was a wreck. Leaving my family again made my heart ache, and I felt like there was no way I was going to be able to make it through a new semester. But, as soon as I landed, I understood how transformative having a month off really was for me.

I don't know about you, but I can't believe that I have to write "2018" on all of my papers from now on - I feel like it was just yesterday I was recovering from accidentally writing "2016" (I never quite catch up)! When I think about the last year, the past 365 days, I remember it as a year of firsts. First graduation ceremony, first semester of college, first time being away from my family, first blog, first heartbreak - 2017 was a year of firsts, for sure. And while the last 12 months have been filled to the brim of both highs and lows, 2017 has left me as a better person than when it started. Even just in the last six months, I've learned more about myself as a person than any other time in my life. I've really come into my own as a person, and I'm incredibly proud of that.

So many people say, "New year, new me." But I don't like to think that when a new year starts, you can completely overhaul your selfhood and start from square one. In my opinion, you can try to get rid of the "old" you, but let's be frank: you are still you at the end of the day.

While I feel like this year, I am much different from how I was in the past, I definitely don't think that I am "new". And I don't want to be. I've worked very hard and experienced so much. I want to take all of it with me. I want all of it to be a part of me.

So this year (even though it's February... oops!), I encourage you to fully embrace yourself: all of your strengths, weaknesses, and quirks. Embrace them and be proud of them. You are all of your experiences. You are all of your fears, and all of your surroundings. The sooner you welcome all of your parts - even the not-so-pretty ones - the sooner you can become the best version of yourself.

Thanks for reading through this very long, mushy post, and happy (belated) New Year! I'm looking forward to changing and improving the blog this year, so keep an eye out.

Lots of love,

Picture by: Adalyn Joy